May 26, 2011

Do You Sleep Anymore?

I don't sleep very well. It's been years since I feel like I've had a good nights rest that was unassisted by medication. The reason I can't sleep is because I am the queen of obsession. For instance last night I wrote a blog in my head while lying in bed, I was working out a theory and in a matter of an hour or so discredited my own theory... All this while I'm supposed to be sleeping. Someone once said that you don't want to make mistakes that will keep you up at night. But it wasn't my mistakes that kept me up at first, it was that person's mistakes. I used to lay and wonder if they were up rehashing mistakes like I was. I think that I enjoy the ability to be emotional and crazy or feel whatever in the quiet, dark of the night in a safe place. In the past 3 months I have made a lot of progress, some nights I can sleep soundly without medicine but still have trouble with the falling asleep part. I don't obsess every night about the things I used to but sometimes in the dark they creep back in. I've always said I put on a great show during the day. So then at night I take the front off and become vulnerable. I start questioning everything I've done that day, everything that has been said. I can take good experiences and compliments and obsess them into terrible and negative things. Do I not want to be happy, can I not just be? I've been told I would never be happy, that it wasn't them it was me. I don't think that's true. I am happy now, I'm in a really good place with my relationship with my partner and my child. Employment wise I'm using my time off to find out what I really want to be and do. I keep waiting for my sleep to catch up with how I feel during the day. I feel settled and content and happy with myself but in the night I question it all. I keep hoping and praying that I will get to a point where I am comfortable with myself in the dark and that myself during the day is not a front and is just me.

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