Sep 17, 2011

Not Today

Something so random happened the other night. I received a message on Facebook that I was not expecting. As we all know the destruction of my marriage was partly due to a more than friends work situation. At the time when I found out I had reached out to the other spouse explaining what was going on. Partly for my benefit and partly for his. I never received a response, until last night. My original message was 2 years ago. I always just assumed the message had been intercepted and that he never got it. Turns out he did, he just had a different approach than I did to the situation. He was worried his decision to not respond had somehow affected my choices. I assured him that it was just so I would feel better and that things would turn out the way they did no matter what. He said he chose to love and trust, I chose to accuse and suspect. He's right. After talking back and forth a few times the general consensus is we are better off now, and that we are both healing at our own rate. He wasn't aware they were together until this week so that's what prompted his message. I gave him an update and he gave me his condolences as he has distance and no connection and I have a kid about about 7 miles of distance. The conversation was good in one way and in another it was heartbreaking all over. The hardest part for me was trying to figure out who was more pathetic, him for loving and trusting and staying or me for knowing and staying. I think that's the worst part for me, trying to find a way to forgive myself for allowing myself to be treated in that way and putting up with it for as long as I did. I was embarrassed and I was weak. I'm proud to say I tried and did the best I could but I still wish I would have left the day I suspected, even the day it was confirmed enough for me. I'm sure I would have regret either way and I'm sure some would accuse me of dwelling and not moving on. I know I'm doing better each day and I know eventually I will be at peace with my decisions unfortunately that day is not today.

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